To The Woman Yearning For A Family
To the woman who wants desperately to add a child to their family, but hasn’t yet. I see you. Whether you have tried for months or years without a baby. Whether you have experienced loss or failed infertility treatment attempts. Whether you are waiting on your first or tenth baby, and it is taking longer than you wanted. Or maybe you have had adoption placed on your heart, but you have not matched with a child yet. No matter what is standing in the way of the family you desire I see you.
I have been waiting for my family for 6 years. A journey filled with gobs of negative pregnancy tests, miscarriage, failed remedies that had me hopeful, failed fertility treatments, and every stage of emotion. I have been hopeful, angry, sad, grieving, and wanted to give up at times.
I still remember the day that we were ready to start trying. It was magical, and I immediately began dreaming. I envisioned myself holding that positive pregnancy test, and all the ways that I would tell my husband. I began thinking of my pregnancy, and the things I wanted to do and experience. I imagined my life with a baby in tow, and all of the beautiful and yes, frustrating ways that my life would change. That very first day my heart grew and made a space for my baby to fill.
That space has been a void for six long years. That space hurts, like doubling over with pain hurts. It was never meant to be waiting for this long. This wasn’t my plan and in my life where I thrive on control and have very successfully controlled all the aspects of my life, this sucks.
Fertility struggles are way more than just having to wait. If that’s all it was we could easily find joy, grow, and appreciate the wait. I mean how many times do we have to hear that we should enjoy our naps now, or have someone joke about their kids acting crazy is the best form of birth control. Or my personal favorite- if you just stop trying it will happen, you are just too stressed. Instead, it is a constant grieving process where the grief keeps starting over with no end in sight. You grieve the life you dreamed, the moments lost, and the loss of control over your future. You grieve the fact that it’s so easy for others and hard for you.
I want my life to be crazy. I would gladly sacrifice every day I get to sleep in, my free schedule, and free time to finally hold my baby. I will take every single sleepless night and meltdown for this phase of my life to end. I want my life to be upended with the addition to our family. Reminding me that motherhood will be hard will not make my waiting feel any better.
Amidst our struggle, our life becomes a walking landmine of triggers to the frustration and sadness that we feel. Going to the store and walking past the baby aisle. Getting on social media and seeing pregnancy and birth announcements, or pictures of your friends with their family highlights that others are getting what you want but don’t have. TV, news, books, people watching- literally everywhere you go holds a reminder of what you don’t have.
Nothing I can type here can take away the hurt and frustration that we go through. But I can tell you that you are not alone. You don’t have to go through this by yourself. We are stronger because of this experience. The waiting and the loss will be worth it someday. But right now allow yourself to feel every single feeling.
This journey sucks and I wish this wasn’t a club that you or I were a part of. But for now, journal and document the highs and lows, it may just help you to be reminded how hard you fought for motherhood on the hardest days in the future. Find friends that are supportive to listen to you, and go through this with. Don’t be afraid to show the world, because so many women around you are struggling in silence too.
You are not broken and your worth is not determined by positive pregnancy tests or the size of your family. You are not weak, because you break down emotionally. You are so wonderfully and fearfully made, and I know that this is part of our plan for a reason. Until our dreams come true I will hold all of you who are struggling with me in my heart.
About the Author
Dr. Miranda Overbergen is a family wellness advocate and chiropractor who works with families to guide them in a health journey that leads to healthy nervous systems and reaching their goals in health and life. She co-owns Cultivate Chiropractic with her sister Dr. Katelyn in Altoona where they empower the lives of people they touch in health and connection. She tackles life alongside her husband, Steven in Altoona.